On Mama's allergies

"Maybe you're allergic to pollen...

There's only one way to find out—take your blood pressure."

Upon seeing a "No Outlet" sign

"To me, a cul de sac is like a sack that's cold."

I somehow maintained control of the truck while laughing uncontrollably.

On where to find good music

Theo (singing): She's got a ticket to ri-ide, She's got a ticket to ri-i-ide...
Dad: Theo, where did you learn that song?
Theo: Chuck-E-Cheese's dot com!

On bat waste

"Dad, do bats poo and pee?"

On MLK day

(To Mom) "Do you know what Martin Luther King, Jr., did? He helped it so that white people and brown people could live together. Like, I'm white and you're brown."

On how to get home early from a party

Theo: "Can we go to Alonso's house after the party?"

Mama: "No, it will be too late."

Theo: "Then don't talk. 'Cause that's what makes it late, is when you talk."

On alternative uses for a house

"Mom, what if you used your whole house as underwear?"

"...if you pulled it out of the ground and used it as underwear..."

"That would be too big for any person, right?"

On mad Sudoku skills

"Mommy, can you teach me Sudoku? Because you are the master."

On being the boss

"Why do mommies get to be the boss of daddies even though mommies are littler?"